The Thoughts I Think

I guess I didnt quite have what I thought I had.
It made a fun game.
(I lost)
To be cliche.

Aaron just kinda... kicked me out of his life. Like.. It was fun for awhile to talk about something serious. But not really worth the time. I was going to tell him almost the same thing tonight. But not like that. I'm so in love with him. It's just not..logical. But instead of doing the whole lets be friends thing he just... doesn't want me around.

So I fall back on the fall back boys. except tyler doesnt have reception at his moms house, and dans phone is dead.. and charlie is kinda here. but what can he do. he's no one to me.

Maybe this is good. But right now I feel like shit.

I got dumped. By the love of my life. And I wasn't even dating him. Its almost worth a jerry springer episode. But not really. at all.

Current Music: Every Once and Awhile -Blackhawk

Number 5. His name is Charlie, He is 22 years old. He lives in Cannon Falls until fall and then is outta here. I used to be really close friends with his little sister. Who is 19. He used to hang around with a lot of my pool friend - who have since grown up and found real jobs. I was always the young'n - now I'm the oldest guard I believe but we'll see tonight if anyone else came back. All the girls used to hang out at Emily's house because..well.. charlie was so hot. And she was so lucky to have such a cool brother. Except now Emily is gone. And Charlie isn't. It's interesting. He's gorgeous still. And just as sincere and funny and sweet. And extremely honest. Which is really nice. He's got a kinda-sorta girl. But he's not sure about it and neither is she. And he likes me. which isn't good. He's the only 22 year old I know who has never been drunk. he doesnt drink, he doesnt smoke, and everyone still really likes him.  It's really interesting. I dont really know what I think.

Aaron and I talked. He thinks we should be in a relationship. That things could really work this time. That we are both old enough and mature enough to make it for real. Except that in the fall we are going 3 hours from cannon in...opposite directions. I'm not sure it could work very well at all. College football boys always get the most attention from the prettiest girls. I don't think I'd stand a chance of keeping him around. Nor do I know for sure if I'd want to. It's amazing to be with him and finally...feel like I fit again. But I'm just.. not sure if a relationship is the right option.

Tyler wants to come down ASAP and I keep making excuses. I just..wrote him off I guess. 

Daniel should be the serious one. Definitely should be. But for some reason... I'm not feeling it. At all. Anymore. Which is sooo bad. I still talk to him every night and hope things get better. but they haven't at all. But maybe soon? He's coming down at the end of June to go to the Twins-Brewers game with me and hang out for a weekend. It should be fun. And maybe things will feel better.

Matt is matt. always. I dont have much more to say. Things have never changed there. 

Today it seems like Charlie and Aaron are the options. Which is good. Summer fling. Cuz both of them are going far away in the fall and I'm going far the other way. 

My decision is no relationship for real in the summer and come august.. I'll have to figure my shit out before everyone leaves. Maybe I'll find love. Or maybe I'll figure out that being single is the best choice for me for awhile. 
Its been 4 years since I've been single for more than 2 weeks. Its time for me to test these waters anyway. 

Speaking of water!! Training starts tonight! 40 hours in the next 4 days! I love work :)

Current Music: "Crushed and Created" -Caitlyn Smith

Welcome back old Betsy.
Single.
4 boys.
Yeah. Pretty much. It's like I never grew up and got away from this.
The scariest part is Aaron is one of them. 
Aaron
Tyler
Daniel
Matthew

Yup. Welcome home. Even Tom emailed me today. And in a friendly manner for the first time in months. 

I saw Aaron 4 times in the last 3 days. And will again tomorrow. He still holds the same power over me. It just. he's the only ex in my life who didnt push me into something. Ever. He was 100% about respect. He asked me once about sex. I said no. He never asked again. Every guy since I started high school pushed me into something. Some didnt bother me very much - and others still bother me now. But Aaron was everything to me for so long and he still makes me feel like I'm everything to him sometimes. We saw Narnia last night. And went to a Boy Scout ceremony for Tex (which was really sweet)and hung out with his family for a long while. saturday we saw a play and went for a 3 hour walk and ate cake and hung out with my family. Tomorrow - we've decided to be adults and talk about whats going on. We're going for another 3 hour walk and then hanging out with his family again probably. I dont know whats going on. or what I want to be going on. I don't want this to be just clinging to the past. I want to grow up and know that he is or isn't my future. I've never stopped thinking so. Which is terrible. I have honestly and completely loved 2 boys in my life. And gotten really close with one. Aaron was my first and that makes me so devoted to him and so crazy when he comes back. I dont know how he can still make me feel like this. It's been almost a year since I went through this last.  Must be a girl thing.

Tyler. Is funny. And fun. And older. And the guy that made Daniel leave me. Tyler is me. except a boy. He's really really hot. Like swoon at the site of him attractive. And we have the same personality so we just bounce off eachother. It's amazing. I love how happy he makes me and how much we have in common. We go swimming and for long walks and watch the office and do crazy ridiculous things that makes us happy but everyone else thinks we're stupid. but it's incredible. He just... is the best guy ever. Most of the time. But I've never even dated him and he's already been a lot of pressure on a couple occasions. But he takes care of me and does amazing things and is just increidble most of the time. I love who I am around him.

Daniel. Is the second guy I ever loved completely. And I did. Do? And now he wants to try again. Which is good because we have to live together for a year lol. If we get back together I know I'll probably spend the rest of my life with him. Which scares me an incredible amount. But its true. It's what scared me away from him the first time. I'm not ready to sign my life away. I'm 19. The break up so far has been calling eachother every night to say "I love you and miss you" its been ridiculous and fake. Neither of us are very serious about it. But he's too committed and I'm too flakey. I was suppose to marry aaron in less than a month. Tom in less than a year... I don't do well with these silly games. And I'm not ready to settle down. I'll probably never be ready. But Dan left me because of Tyler. And I let him go because I was scared of...losing myself? I don't know really. But I do know that I'm not ready to give him the commitment he wants and he's not ready to give me the freedom I need. 

Matthew. Is the only one I'm sure..isn't the one for me. But he's quite convinced. I love hanging out with him. I can be myself and joke around but I can talk to him seriously. And thats a big deal for me. I don't open up very easily in an honest manner. I'll give everyone a little piece of myself but Matt... I'll tell him almost anything and I'll be honest about how I'm feeling. Which is huge. And I think he does the same. We've got trust issues with the rest of the world but for some reason we found a lot of faith in eachother and its really nice. Except I know I don't want to be with him and he always is begging - which is difficult to deal with sometimes. And makes it harder to talk to him seriously about boy things. Anyway he's the one I trust the most and love a lot but I'm not in love with. Sometimes I wish I was though. It would be easier. He would be an absolutely perfect boyfriend to any girl.

*sigh.* when haven't I had 100's of options. Maybe I always just make the wrong one. The oddest thing is that 80% of the time if not more.. aaron is an option. I wonder if that means something. Or if it just means I honestly and truly just suck at letting go. Guess I should figure that out. and preferably before 4:45 tomorrow afternoon. We're going to visit all of the places we layed outside and talked until 4am. We've got a lot of old haunts and places with a lot of sentimental value. I used to take a notebook each summer and spend a day going from place to place writing all of our memories at each spot. I keep such detailed notes of aaron. *sigh* It's Aaron or Daniel right now. Tyler's been gone for 5 days. but when he gets back and we start talking again who knows. Why am I never happy with what I have?!

maybe I should just be single for a looooong time. And refuse to make any real decisions. Just have fun hanging out with everyone.
Which would break Dan's heart.
I quit.
I'm gonna be a nun.

Current Music: You can't take the honk tonk out of the girl -Brooks and Dunn-

Only my body.

 I say I love you I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say Im always thinking about you
Theres no way Id want to face this life without you
And even though these words come from deep inside me
Theres so much more I dont have the words to say

cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words Im saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
Ill use the best words I know but I still wont say it all

Its like a tale too great to be told
Its something that my heart can only show
Im gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say to you
What I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say

h 

 It weird how when a relationship ends the english language stays the same. Macaroni still exists and cream soda still tastes good. It's odd how 'I love you' holds the same power and ears are still worth shivering over. I'm always confused when he sings me a song because its always one that had meaning before. I'm always lost when he uses a sweet line because I know where I heard it last. I'm never sure how to feel when he holds me because I don't feel like its any different than how I was held a year ago.
Both Daniel and Tommy told me they loved me tonight. 
It's just too weird
How little changed. How 2 people are different people but still parallel in so many ways. No more than most people - they are quite different in many ways as will - but sometimes... I forget where I am or who I'm talking to and I feel like nothings changed. I'm not sure thats a horrible thing but I'm sure its not good.
Weird huh?

 My life has changed so extremely in the past 6 days. It hasn't even been a week yet. Well it is Friday officially. But... still not really...
I've spent twice as many hours kissing this boy than I have sleeping.
I've been 100% honest all the way through.
I've danced around my room just too watch him laugh.
I've skipped every class at least once and one 4 times.
I've held him when he cried. 
I've made him cry.
I've listened to more country music than I have in the last 2 years combined.
I've watched more James Bond than I EVER EVER EVER a. knew existed. b. had any interest in spending time on.

I told him I wasn't forever. That love for me was just...a phase. That I'll break his heart and disappear. That I don't play nice and I don't play long but while I'm here I will convince him that every word is true. And I will convince myself as well. But eventually... I'll run. I always do. And he cried. And I cried. And he said he'd still stay with me for as long as I'll stick around.
His cousin died on Wednesday. That was the other time I saw him cry but it took a lot of work and he hid it really well. Since before this he said he hasn't cried since he was 9.
He's going to drink vodka and lemonade with me. And maybe some fake wine. Tomorrow night. Even if it makes me cry. 
He's teaching me how to bowl and how to mini golf (not a verb?) and how to throw a frisbee.

He tells me he's in love with me because he can't say anything else. But I knew it long before he said it. His eyes tell secrets.

I've never been able to read thoughts from a simple touch or kiss but somehow... this boy who rarely says anything...communicates everything perfectly. I can tell when he's sad and when he wants to be held and when he wants distance or silence or words. It's the most interesting thing in the world. Being able to tell what someone needs from tiny movements. I think I adore it.

He's a good guy and when he's with me I can convince myself that its for real. But... well... we all know better by now right? Oh! And I heard from Tom...



Now i know you didnt love me. took you what 3 days to move on. big fucking whoop! you used me like everyone else did you fucking whore. there is no one else you are interested in. you fucking bullshitter! you have probably been cheating on me for weeks. Fuck you and fuck everything that will happen in your fucking life. and give me my god damned stuff back. its worth more than you are you piece of shit.
 
Have a shitty life



cute huh? I cried and listened to Taylor Swift for a day... but he's not worth my tears. HE DUMPED ME! He doesn't get to play games.... I'd still be with him otherwise. But I'm glad I'm not. This one walks me back to my room even at 9am in the morning so that nothing happens. He walks me to class and opens doors for me. He asks me before he advances at all. And usually after that I still have to be the one to control it. Like the first kiss. After two hours of him almost doing it and then getting scared and hiding under a pillow or starting a conversation... I finally did even though I swore I wouldnt. Everything is like that. It took him half an hour to tell me that he thought he might be in love. After he told me that he needed to say something. He's just... I dunno.
He's very I don't know.

Current Music: Def Leppard.

You Know My Name: so, would it be ok with u if i changed my relationship status?
You Know My Name: on facebook
Elizabeth Nicole: *blushes*
You Know My Name: yes, no?
Elizabeth Nicole: *bites lip*
You Know My Name: well?
Elizabeth Nicole: That could be acceptable I suppose (is freaking out)
Elizabeth Nicole: you're sure about this?
You Know My Name: yes
Elizabeth Nicole: sweet dreams
You Know My Name: ditto

We've been on the verge of a break up for at least a month now. and we're still there. I know it needs to happen and I think that he does too. But neither of us want to be the one to bring it up or make it real. It's going to hurt like hell. This wil be my first honest break up. This isn't me running away because I got to close or me running to someone else. This is just 2 people who put everything they had into a relationship that still didnt work out.
I think I met the guy I'm going to marry though. That sounds really weird. And I'm not going to break up with Tom because of it. But the first time I saw him I was sure he was the guy for me. And after an all nighterand a cigar (neither of us had ever smoked anything before) and South Park and hanging out al night again - (four days in a row...) I'm convinced. Tonight was the first time we hung out alone though. And I was scared and nervous and wandery - which is hard to be in a dorm room. He doesn't like me and I'm not 'crushing' on him. I just can see more and more by each thing he says that he's the guy. THE guy. But I'm not going to break up with Tom to throw myself at someone else. "whats meant to be will always find a way" If he's for real, it'll happen, and if he's not - well I got 800 songs on itunes today because of him - It's really win-win. He respects girls - chivalry to the upmost... He's funny and CHRISTIAN. He's everything Tom's not. Innocent and atheletic. Anyway I'm not going to rant about him - I don't know what will happen and I just have this really strong pull toward him and I've always chased after guys because I loved the game. But this one I'll wait and see. He's into someone else a lot right now and got his heart broken  by her. He's going through a really hard time in his life and he isn't looking at girls at all. He's become one of my closest friends in 4 days... I've met him before granted but not gotten to know him well - I'm ranting arent I? Okay anyway I'm not trying to sound like a slut. 
I'm going to miss Tom a lot when we get around to going through with this one. He's been so much to me. I loved him with everything I had, I didnt hold anything back. It's awful when both people put their whole heart into a relationship and it still fails. And its not because we didnt try or hold out long enough - Sometimes its not hanging on that proves your strong, sometimes its letting go. And it's time to let go. It's going to hurt and I'm going to cry for days and bury myself in sad music and poetry but.... I know it needs to happen. I've known it has needed to happen since right before school started but.... somehow I tried to convince myself that if I pretended everything was okay and told everyone else that everything was okay - that eventually I would love him again and I would be sure again. But it hasn't happened yet. I still really wish it would - I wish I could make myself care about him the way I did but... It's gone. Just short of 11 months. I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him tomorrow. I'll keep procrastinating a while longer and see if he gets around to it or somehow the spark returns. 
But thats all. I have an 8am class and then I'm going home to clean and have girls night all night. This week has been the best/most insane week I've had in a very long time but I've loved every minute of it (well possibly excluding the hour and 15 minute midterm today and the talk with Hilary where I was informed that I was choosing my boyfriend over heaven and by doing that I was choosing hell) 
Anyway adios.